SWAK isn't what it used to be. To me it's now: Stress, Wine, Anxiety, Kids

Totally stressed out just trying to write a small entry.  I've been gone for awhile because my needs are the very last on the list in my home and spending 10 minutes to write (even if I had a quiet moment to do so) feels wrong when here is laundry to be folded, dishes to be done and toys to put away.  Even the dog needs her meds twice a day.  Throw in a runny-nosed 14 month old who either wants to climb up any chair she can, whines and bangs on my keyboard when all I want to do is vent  just makes me want to cry and/or open a bottle of wine.  Something I've been doing far too often lately and is certainly not contributing to a smaller waistline.   She's in her crib, screaming her head off right now while I escaped to the deck to just try to get my thoughts out.  My heart is pounding, anxiety attack imminent.  Life is not supposed to be this hard.  Taking a shower shouldn't have to be a carefully planned event in my day.  My health is suffering, my self esteem, my well being and my body.

I've realized that I can go days, even a week without actually sitting down for a meal.  A full meal in which I don't have to get up at least 3 times to get somebody a drink, clean up a spilled drink,  get up to wipe somebody's butt.  The list goes on.  I think; Okay.  Today I am just going to eat this meal.  Whatever happens, I am not getting up.  Something always happens that forces me to do so.   There will be poop from some person or dog, literally, next to me.  Yum, appetizing.  Something that needs my response.

I imagine this is where the line between the skinny Moms and the plumpier Moms happens.  We all probably feel like we rarely eat.  I feel like I rarely eat because it's not mindful.  Eating the kids leftovers, shoving food in my mouth while preparing meals because I'm so hungry.  Stress eating when everyone is screaming and fighting and I feel like I'm completely failing at this Mom thing so I just turn to chocolate or carbs.  There are probably lots of Moms out there who are as busy as I am but they don't stress eat or pop food in their mouths all day long.  I want to learn to be one of those lucky ladies.

Tracking, journaling and planning meals?  Please.  I am so scattered these days.  The thought of adding something else on my "to do" list is practically debilitating.  I actually did work out on Saturday and Sunday while DH watched the kiddos.  The clarity!  The list of things I would do every day in my head- read some of my book!  Clean the house!  Shower!  Wash my hair and put on makeup!  Plan meals!  Journal!  Well, it's 11am and I'm getting the "journaling" done here while the baby is screaming in her crib and I'm ready to sob myself with the thought of the weekend mess (accrued during my gym time) piled up in my house and my desperate desire to take the ever elusive shower.

Did I mention that I feel just absolutely disgusting?  And the guilt!  Oh, the guilt.  The wine I've been drinking way too much of, the lack of exercise, I barely wash my face most nights because I'm so exhausted.  I'm doing a cleanse day today.  Cleansing the palate.  Last time I did a week without alcohol I had 3 anxiety attacks that week.  But I'm giving it another shot and hoping that journaling and being more mindful of everything will help me feel younger, healthier, more vibrant and somehow make me a better Mom.  Because although I love these kids with all of my heart and soul I feel like I'm just failing at so many things with them and with myself these days.  Breathe...........

Baby 3 is here- time to get my body back!

Here we go again! Back after baby 3 and the same ol predicament. Baby G is 7 weeks old and Mama is 4 weeks into weight watchers and 2.5 lbs down- 46 to go. Insanely hard while breast feeding but I'm committed!  I've also taken this obsession one step further as I'm a student at the Institute for Integrative Nutrition.  Barring any accidents, this is my last baby. Can't wait to have my best body ever! Join me on my journey and share your thoughts, goals and struggles. Let's do this!
P.S.- that Isagenix cleanse I did in 2011 was da bomb!  I lost all my weight- plus- and got to help others do the same. Baby is too young to cleanse again, so in the meantime I'm getting control, support and accountability with WW.  

So much energy- workout day!

Weighed in the same as yesterday at 146.6.  Was a little disappointed but then again, still happy to see those numbers.  My body fat percentage was down 1% on the scale, so that's a big deal.  After all, it's not just about the weight but also body fat and inches, right?

Today was a better day as far as hunger in the afternoon.... and I made it to the gym!  After my morning shake and mid morning apple snack, I knew I had to hurry up and get my workout in before I got really hungry.  Hubby is in Vegas with his buddy, so the Y and their child care center was calling my name.  Did legs for 20 minutes and then 30 minutes on the elliptical.  I was really hungry after and had a nice, big lunch.  I had more turkey and less grain than the chart suggests, but I still was around 600 cals.  Loved the carrots and hummus and sirloin salad with Galeo miso sesame dressing.  Ate some cherry tomatoes when I got home to keep me from bingeing since I had to make the kiddo's lunches first.  That was at 1 and I wasn't even very hungry at 5 when I had my hard boiled egg snack.  Had my shake at 7 and at 8:30, despite 7 hours of sleep last night (I love 8-9 hours) I just organized my second bathrooms medicine cabinet, took out the garbage and will jump on the dishes and laundry when I finish my blog. :)  Go me!  I haven't had this kind of energy.... ever?  Not this consistently anyway.

Since I am still breastfeeding baby E, I am conscious of my milk supply. It's definitely gone down a little but she is getting plenty and doesn't seem upset at all.  In fact, the past 2 nights she hasn't night nursed until the early morning hours, allowing me to get several hours in a row of sleep, which I am sure is contributing to my feelings of better restfulness.  She ate a bigger dinner than usual; perhaps because she's not getting as much milk during the day.  Whatever it is, I'm lovin' it and hope she keeps it up.  My dream is to co sleep with my lil munchkin without the night nursing.  I love cuddling with her and it is going to be over before I know it because they grow so fast.

I also took both girls to Target and Trader Joe's today.  They were so good.  This weekend has been amazingly easy without my sidekick here to help me out.  Hope tomorrow is just as good.   I think being out of the house definitely helped keep my hunger, or thoughts of food, at bay.

I'm nervous that I will wake up in the morning heavier because of the weight training.  I feel like I'm on a great path regardless.

Isagenix cleanse- Day 4

I had intentions of writing every day and chronicling my journey but just haven't had the time.  The kids are climbing all over me like monkeys.  It's all I can muster to update my Facebook and play Words With Friends!

I'm so ecstatic about the past 4 days.  I am so excited about the results I'm having already and want to shout it from the rooftops and recruit everyone I love and even like a little.  I'm not gonna lie.... my main motivation is and was weight loss.  The energy and better sleep is an added bonus I didn't count on.

Here is a recap of the past 4 days.  My starting weights, snacks, etc.  I want to remember exactly what I did and also share it with you, too, in case you are feeling a little overwhelmed like I was and not sure of where to start.

Day 1- 149.6  I gained some of what I lost from bingeing knowing that I was going into this.
Started off the day with a shot of the Ionic Supreme and after a little taste, know why my friend Kate suggested doing it like a shot with a glass of water chaser.  Very strong and potent!  There's something about starting the day with a shot of healthy goodness that I like and this stuff gave me a better buzz than coffee ever could.
In addition to the required shake day items, I consumed an extra 1/2 a shake in the morning and 1/2 in the evening.  I was freakin starving.   Got caught at a Ralph Lauren audition for an extra 90 minutes so ate lunch 2 hours late.  BAD CHOICE.  We were all starving so I ended up with a grilled chicken sandwich with no mayo from McDonald's followed by a bean and veggie soup from Trader Joe's that I made yesterday.  Since I was really hungry, I tried one of the wafers in the bottle labeled "Isagenix Snacks!"  These wafers are kinda gross.  I had a hard boiled egg for a snack and took my babies to swim class.  So basically, not much exercise.  Went to bed feeling hungry.

Day 2- Woke up not hungry at all.  Weird.  148.2
Hungry again during the day so added 1/2 a shake in the morning and evening again.  Had 1 hard boiled egg with both snacks and some celery with the afternoon egg.  For lunch I put a ton of spinach, bell peppers and asparagus in 2 whole eggs, egg whites and BreakFree egg substitute with some shredded cheese (all organic.)  Had some black bean and corn salsa on the side and 2 tbsp. of hummus.  Felt full but was hungry again soon.  Think a lot of it is in my head.  Had an Isagenix Snacks! wafer.  It wasn't as bad a I remembered it. Need to change my lunch to more filling food and I don't know if I was in the 400-600 calorie range I need to be in for this meal.

Day 3- 147.2  Woke up around 4am with sick baby.  Felt a little hungry but fell back to sleep with visions of fat melting away.  Didn't have any extra shake today and my lunch was so good and kept me satisfied.  I had salad with Galeo's dressing, tomato, organic sirloin steak and a huge, delicious sweet potato.  YUM.  hard boiled eggs again for snacks.  Had so much energy that I cleaned my house, organized my clothes and my bathroom.  I've been putting the organizing off for sooooo long.  Months and months.  Amazed at this energy considering sick child and little sleep.

Day 4- 146.6

I haven't seen 146 since the beginning of my second trimester with E.  Now I'm paranoid I will be stuck here for weeks.  We'll see how the next few days play out.  Much less hungry today and woke up thinking that everything seems so clear.  Usually when I wake up I feel "foggy."  The fact that my house is much more organized also really makes me feel more together.

My fave hardboiled eggs for snack in the morning and afternoon and some apple slices.  Lunch was amazing!   My mother in law's spicy salmon and a bowl of this amazing Moroccan lentil soup she made and a salad with some tomato and Galeo's Miso Caesar dressing. Can't forget the big ol sweet potato either.  I need this every day.  So good!   Yesterday and today I did have a little headache immediately after lunch that lasted for about 45 minutes.  Not too bad, but there.  Just drank a bunch of water and it faded.

 I ate my snack late since I wasn't hungry and didn't notice the time.  A drank some of my dinner shake.  It tastes amazing to me now, where as it was just okay at first.  Also had one of those Snacks! wafers.  It actually tasted..... good.    After only 4 days are my taste buds already forgetting what real chocolatey goodness tastes like?

I hope to post every day with more details about how I'm feeling.  Journaling is a huge part of success and I also want to remember what I did exactly when I am down to 127 (or maybe even less!), looking back at my journey.  For now I will go to bed at night with prayers for my kiddos and people I love; then I will fantasize about being able to share clothes with skinny friends again and wearing really cute jeans that show my butt! 

It's a new day, it's a new life for meeeeee

And I'm feeling GOOOOD! :)

I think I've finally found what I've been looking for.  Tomorrow I begin a 30 day cleanse and I am so excited.   Of course in preparation for this cleanse, I have been eating so poorly.  I can't wait to start but I'm sure after a few days of shakes, I will be wishing for some chocolate.  There are chocolate shakes and there are these little chocolate snack bites so perhaps I won't have any cravings- I hope!

I've heard really great things about Isagenix including the fact that people lose huge amount of weight in short periods of time.  I typically lose so slowly.  We shall see if that's about to change.

Tune in folks.  It's gonna be a wild ride.......

I'm a loser baby.... so why don't you starve me

I have fallen off the wagon with a thud.  I'm so frustrated and about to give up hope that I've given in to the sugar cookies that my daughter made yesterday and pasta galore.  I even had a big, huge fast food hamburger and it tasted so good.  I ate the fries too.  I'm putting sugary creamer in my coffee.  I'm becoming a human garbage can and I'm not even really enjoying it because of the guilt.

I haven't exercised, so I'm tired.  I've actually lost weight because I'm losing muscle mass but feel fatter than ever.  What to do?  Jenny Craig?  Was considering it.  It's one thing I actually haven't tried.  WTF is wrong with me?  I know what I'm supposed to do but I feel like I've been doing it for the past 11 months and I'm not getting the results I want or need.

Like a little angel, my friend's husband told me about what has led him to lose 30 lbs. of fat, his skinny adorable college age daughter lost 18 and his wife lost as well.  It's a cleanse that is on a cellular level.  Not Standard Process, the one I had much success with before, but another one that isn't as restrictive.  I'm in.  I'm trying it.  I start next week.  This friend is also turning 51 in April and entered his first Bodybuilding competition.  Impressive!

Guilt and Shame

There are a few reasons I've been MIA.  My house is being torn apart due to water damage and mold issues, a Gala I am chairing is finally happening in a week so I am trying to find time to prepare for that, not feeling well, no nanny and having fun with my kids.  I am NOT exercising and I am NOT monitoring my food intake in any way shape or form.  Yep, fell off the wagon.

I feel so guilty.  I know what I have to do, so why is it so hard to just do it?  I love 4HB and I felt great the first few days, but seriously, I just can't eat beans at every single meal.  It doesn't feel "natural" and by mid day each day I am bloated and gassy.  Just not comfortable!  I was looking at Philip Goglia and Jiliian Michael's books and they are both in line with Isabel de los Rios.  Why is it so hard to only eat natural, unprocessed foods?

Today I will work on portion control and stop eating when I am full.

What are you struggling with?